Living with depression

The recent, tragic passing of Robin Williams, whose protrayal of John Keating in "Dead Poets Society" is partly responsible for me becoming a writer, has made me painfully aware about many misconceptions that still exist, when it comes to depression. So I have decided to write about my personal experience in an attempt to help people understand this disease. 

I am not a psychologist, so I won't be throwing around medical terms but I have been diagnosed on three separate occasions with depression. I am presently going through my second cycle of therapy and have been on three different medications (Thank god, I am managing without since 2011!). 

Why am I sharing this with you? Because I think it is time. Not only for me but for everybody. Depression is sadly a common thing and most people don't dare speaking about it and therefore are not getting the help they need. 

I was thinking of how I could explain to a person whom has never suffered from depression how this feels, because depression is so much more then "being sad". So I came up with the following exercise: 

First I want you to think of the state you are e.g. on a sunday morning. You get up, feel relaxed, just have a shower and do some small errands, nothing out of the ordinary. Basically the state, were you are in a balanced mood, neither sad nor happy, neither mad nor frustrated. I would like to call this "neutral mood". 

Then I want you to think of the worst moment of your life. It doesn't matter if it was after a bad break-up, loosing a loved one or loosing your job. I mean one of those moments, where you wouldn't eat, shower or if it were up to you even leave the bed. I know this is hard, but I want you to remember that feeling, in every detail. I want you to remember how hard it was to do even the simplest tasks. 

Now I want you to imagine how it feels, to take this feeling and think of it as your "neutral mood". Imagine when you wake up in the morning you feel this numbing emotional pain, although nothing has happened yet in your day. Besides all this, there is no rational reason, for feeling like this and you are very well aware of that. You know that there is no sense to you feeling like this, but you cannot help it. So on top of this feeling, you start being mad at yourself and frustrated because you feel stupid, for being so upset without any apparant reason. Imagine this going on for months, sometimes even years. I think this gives you an idea about what depression really means. 

People who have never gone through depression don't understand the strength it takes to even do the smallest things, like getting up in the morning or leaving the house. 

Most people think that depressed people are weak, when in reality they are strong because living with this disease is an effort beyond words especially if you are functioning, which means that you continue to do your job and duties, without allowing the depression take over. 

When I was going through my worst depression, to the outside world I was in the best moment of my life. I was successful in my job and managed to always smile. People in fact thought I was an extremely happy person. 

The problem is that in today's society people think of you as a weakling if you admit to depression, so you do everything to hide it and if you do it for years, you get good at hiding it and therefore you don't talk about it and nobody suspects it. 

I remember when I first talked about it to a person, he laughed and basically said: "Depressed? You? Nice joke!" We really need to listen to people again and also watch them. Show them how much you actually care. 

Something that makes living with depression or better dealing with it even more difficult is that constantly being upset and angry at yourself starts messing with your view of the world. You become sort of paranoid and even start doubting the affection of family and friends. You often think, that their affection is more like masked pity. In a weird sense it makes sense to yourself, because you feel like a fool, after all you are upset for months without any  "real" reason. That is what makes it a disease and not just bad mood. Bad mood has a reason, while depression has not. It is a flaw in the system if you want to put it like that. 

If things get worse then a lot of people start becoming suicidal. It starts sneaky, that sort of thought were you think before going to bed: Maybe if I am lucky, I won't wake tomorrow. 

This is the point, where this disease starts getting really dangerous. If you ever have felt like this:

Please, look for help!

Talk to someone close to you and tell them how you feel. Ask for help and don't allow the most precious thing you have, your life, to be ruined by a flaw in your system. This is a disease! You haven't done anything wrong and there are people than can help you!

Suicide isn't a solution. Because life isn't a computer game, where you can start from the beginning (At least as far as we know!). Please seek help, because there is and maybe in your darkest hours, it will help you to think of all the things you'd miss if all was to end at that moment: 

The first female US president, the ending of "Game of Thrones" (We all want to know about Jon Snow's true heritage, right?), the smile of your first grand child, the next sunrise, the first man on Mars, the next sort of Oreo cookies, the kiss from someone you truely love and who loves you back.... 

There are many beautiful things ahead of you, don't miss out on them!

Writing this, I have to admit, took an incredible effort. I had to revisit the darkest times in my life and this has affected me. It took me several days to write this post. Still, I don't regret writing this, because I think depressions are an important topic we all need to talk about. It might have been caused by modern society, but this doesn't make it any less real. 

I hope this helps non-afflicted people to better understand people who suffer from this illness. 

Obesity - What it is really like to fight it

Obesity is the worst pandemic we are presently facing. Everybody has heard dozens of theories of what you should eat to live healthy and loose weight but still many people are obese. So why is that? Are humans masochistic or downright stupid since they know that excessive overweight might kill them?

As a person who has recently lost 20 kgs I can tell you one thing: Loosing weight is extremely tough and sometimes almost impossible, since extreme overweight is often the result of either an illness e.g. hypothyroidism (Like in my case, where it remained undiagnosed for 10 years) or additive behaviour when it comes to food. 

Let's start by explaining something: Nobody likes being obsese! I am not talking about a little belly or some pounds gained over the holidays, I am talking about severe overweight. I am still overweight and used to be obese before loosing weight and hated it. You don't feel like dressing nicely, because nothing looks good on you and when you look at your face it looks like you got your wisdom teeth out. You get out of breath by already walking up the stairs and are embarrased when someone notices. Sometimes you will even pretend you have a stone in your shoe just to have a second to take a breath. I could only sleep on my back, because if I slept on the side I would wake  up with a numb arm. You even hate going out for a meal, because no matter what you eat people keep giving you looks. If you eat a burger the looks say: "You really should go easy on that!" If you only order a salad the looks say: "Who are you kidding?" This is all very embarrasing to admit, but this is the truth.

When I decided I had enough of being obese I found a wonderful doctor, because if you have to loose more than a third of you body weight it is not done with a two week diet. Such a weightloss requires proper medical observation and support because all these quick diets from magazine can effectively endanger you health, sometimes even more than you overweight. 

I want to state that my weight loss programm is not an extreme programm and it is based on natural food and no diet shakes of similar things and as I said it is handled by a proper medical doctor.So I started with huge motivation and with it started the problems. 

The first problem was the sickness. I can handle the normal feeling of hunger quite well, but this was something else. My body was used to unhealthy food and huge amounts of salt, so when I changed my diet my body went into a sort of shock. I felt sick especially in the mornings and quite often vomited. Of course I checked  with my doctor and after checking my vitals it turned out I was physically fine. It was simply a reaction to the changes I was exposing my body to, which put in under stress. I knew I had simply to sit the matter out but then there was the little voice in my ear saying: "Isn't this supposed to be healthy? It is supposed to be good for you but it only makes you feel worse! Kick this s**t and go to McDonalds!" In the first weeks I also fainted also a couple of times due to dizzyness. So you reach the point were you wonder: "Why shall I go through with this?" But you manage it and the sickness ceases. 

The next problem are social events, which are usually a popular way of putting off the beginning of the weight loss: "Oh well, Christmas is coming in two weeks and then there is New Years... I will start just after that!" Does this sound familiar? I bet! Truth be told social events are a tough one especially in the beginning. Temptation is everywhere and very few restaurants have proper light dishes and who likes to go: "Can I have number 3 but without the sauce?" There go the looks again! You feel like a picky idiot, when you do that and feel like everybody rolls their eyes at you. Thankfully I am lucky enough to have very considered friends, who even let me pick the restaurant to make sure I can find something there (Thanks, you know who you are!).

Unfortunately not everybody is like that and you often get involved into conversations like that:

A: "Why are you just nibbling on salad?"
B: "Well, I thought it was about time I started loosing my overweight."
A: "Some fries and a cake won't kill you!"

If you don't believe me ask any overweight person in your circle of friends and I bet 90 % have had similar experiences. I am sure that A means well, but honestly this is not helping. The psychological part in loosing weight is tougher than the physical, so please if someone makes an effort support them!

These are just a few of the challenges people trying to loose weight are facing. Another one is to begin working out. Since even 10 minuntes of sport can seem like a marathon to you and worse it makes you feel like a failure when you are exhausted, when in reality you are everything but a failure. Because 10 minutes will soon turn to 15 minutes and so on.

But the point of all this is you have to make a conscious choice: Do you want to go on being obese, knowing you are most likely headed for an early grave or are you willing to make some sacrificies to become the person you have always wanted to be? I have never regretted starting despite the ocasional trowback, because I am feeling fantastic and am ready to finish "the project-me". If I could do it, you can do and believe someone who has been there: It is worth it!

To all the people in the circle of friends and family of an obese person:

If they take the step support them, as it is tough enough as it is and longterm it might safe their life and avoid making fun of overweight persons as it is hard enough as it is. 

Robin Williams - A tribute

Never have I written a tribute before but this time I feel the urge to it and therefore I just thought I will follow my guts. Did I know Mr. Williams personally? No, I didn't but I knew his work as an artist and looking at my own work as an artist I know that you put a lot of yourself in your work, even if you try not to. 

Unfortunately I also know depression myself having been diagnosed with it the first time in 2001, so understand the disease he has become a victim of and it saddens me that a person who gave others so much joy was in such a pain himself. 

I have always thought of Robin Williams as the most versatile actor of these days. I don't care what Oscar statistics say, this man could literally play anything and that is what made him brilliant! Some of his movies have had an incredible impact on me and others, more of an impact than I realised until two days ago. 

I was born in 1978 so one of my first memories of TV is that of a man who flew in an egg and sat upside down. I remember being particularly fond his greeting "nano nano". Of course this was Mork & Mindy. I remember loving that Mork could do funny things without getting into real trouble and how excited he got over the simplest things. Not understanding the concept of TV yet (I was probably 4 or 5 years old at that time), to me Mork was real and I loved him, because he wasn't as serious as most adults and would get excited like me and my friends. When I watched some reruns of Mork & Mindy a few years back, that magic of my childhood was back. Mork was adorable in his quirkyness and still is today. In this role Robin Williams was able to get away with everything and that is what we loved him for! Any other person would have looked stupid doing the things he did, but he was simply funny and lovable. 

My next and probably most life changing "encounter" with Robin Williams came during my teenage years through the movie "Dead Poets Society". Being a teenager who was mostly taught by unmotivated teachers, John Keating became my generation's hero and inspiration. We all wished we would be taught by him and even through the screen his energy touched us. I among many others was one of the students who on a dare stood on her desk during class. "Dead Poets Society" was the first book I read in English and it was during that time that I wrote my first poem. Did the movie and Robin Williams make me want to become a writer? I don't know, maybe. But they certainly sparked my love for poetry and literature. In two hours his passion on the screen taught me more than my "real" teachers had taught me in years. What I can say for sure is that the movie it changed my view of life. I understood that it is important to follow your heart, no matter where it leads you and that the world doesn't know better what your heart needs. 

Then came "Hook" and Robin Williams' Peter Pan. A 40 year old Peter Pan? Yes! After seeing the movie we all wondered: How could Peter Pan be anything but a 40 year old? I  laugh with tears in my eyes at the memory of the scene where Peter "comes back" and calls Rufio "Substitute chemistry teacher". This wasn't just performance, this was him and that it why we loved it: It felt real and honest, as if he was really letting out his inner child,which I suspect he was actually doing. That makes a great actor!

There is not much to say about Mrs. Doubtfire. It is a movie that stays with you forever and makes you feel good, because it teaches you that parents are always willing to make a fool of themselves to take care of their children and that is why we love them. Was there something of Mr. Williams himself in this movie? I guess being a father it was, maybe more that he himself was aware of. 

"Jack" is probably one of his most underrated movies. I remember that when I saw it I was expecting the usual funny movie but in the end got so much more. Being directed by Francis Ford Coppola the movie is well nuanced and by the end of we are moved beyond words over the little boy's story, because you don't see the man but a little boy with a genetic disorder. His performance overshadows his physical appearance and takes the lead. 

In 1997 two still unknown young actors managed to sell their first script and got to play two roles in the movie made of it and someone managed to get Robin Williams for the supporting role of Sean Maguire. Of course I am speaking of "Good Will Hunting" and the two actors were Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. This movie taught me an important lesson: Never put your career above the people you care about. Although Matt Damon pulled off an amazing performance himself, Robin Williams stole all the scenes they share. His performance is much calmer than in most of his movies and it works too. It actually worked so good that he won an Oscar for it. 

One of my personal favourites among Mr. Williams' movies is "Bicenntenial Man". Rarely have I seen such a character developement over the course of one movie. We see him turn from a machine into a human, more human than most humans. He is sweet, he is innocent and in a way grows up over the course of the movie. When the movie is half way through you just want to give him a hug. 

His most incredible transformation on screen was for me the 2002 thriller "One Hour Photo". His performance as Seymour Parrish is chilling to the bone. There were no jokes and no funny breaks, just the intensity of a brilliant performance of a psychotic Stalker. 

Of course there are many other amazing performances he had left us and also his wonderful stand-up comedy. He has made us laugh, scared us and moved us. I don't know if a movie can change you but it can inspire you and Mr.Williams' movies have inspired millions of people and definetely me. Or as John Keating put it: No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. 

For that I have only one thing to say: 

Thank you, Mr. Williams. 

Writing update #4 - switching pen name

It has been a very long time since I wrote one of these but my "other" life has been crazy for several months getting a new job and moving, so had only little time for writing. But now I am back on track and I wanted to let you know what is going on.

I am still working on the translation of my novel, which is proving to be a much tougher task than I expected. Although I consider myself to be proficient in english, it is not my native tounge, which sometimes makes it tough to hit the tone I want to hit in my novel. However I am still convinced that translating it myself was the right choice because it gives me the unique possibility to explore a different language and to find expressions for concepts often alien to the other language. For example there is no term in spanish for "oversleeping" although of course we know the concept. My english is mostly considered "american" but I often use British and Australian terms as well, so I guess the tone will be quite unique. 

Once I am done with the translation I intend to hand it over to a british proof reader, as I would hate for people not to enjoy my novel due to grammar or punctuation errors. This is something I would recommend to all authors out there, especially if you are self-publishing. I have read some books of self-published writers and while some were absolutely stunning and brilliant others were incredibly bad, especially in the language department. 

I don't expect everyone to be perfect when it comes to grammar and spelling (I guess I have made already several errors in this post to prove that I am far from it myself!) but a blog post is something different than a book. If we writers want to prove to the world that self-publishing is to be taken seriously we need to make sure that the quality of what we publish is of high standard, otherwise the current attitude towards self-publishing, that we are all wannabe writers who couldn't get an agent will prevail. Also bear in mind: Don't you find it annoying to stumble over dozens of errors while reading a book? 

Well that is the present status of my novel. I also have been considering of posting a teaser here, but I haven't decided upon it yet. 

My next project to combine two of my passions: Writing and Acting! 

As some of you might know I have already been working on a play called "The Interview" for some time. It is developing nicely and working on it has made me realise how much I miss acting. Therefore I have decided to create a theatre group called "Los Bildungos" and also to switch my pen name to what used to be my stage name: 

Maria Lorca 

I have already acted in some short films under this name. I also co-wrote the story and the lyrics to the musical "Outremer" with Felicitas Rená  and together with  composer Vladimir Romanov we finished in 3rd place at the 2007 Frank Wildhorn Award for Musical Theatre in Graz. 

Subsequently I will make some altertations to this blog, as what started only as platform for my writing has become so much more, as I decided to make a statement addresing topics that matter to me. 

I hope you will enjoy the new direction and support me with my new and old projects.