Addicted to Toxic People

During the course of our life we meet many people, some are important to us and enrich our life and some are not. But there is also a third kind, which are commonly referred to as toxic people and they poison our life, without even being aware of it. 

This doesn't mean that those people are bad persons they are just bad for us. It can be anyone from an old school buddy who gets you drunk and in trouble, it can be your ex who you stay in touch with only to be always hurt upon hearing how good he or she is doing, the former working colleague whose life story depresses you within five minutes. What do all these people have in common and what is more important: What do we keep them in our lives? 

I believe that we keep these people in our lives despite their ill effect mainly because of our conscience. We are taught since early childhood that the people in your life are extremely important and this is a good thing but sometimes the message gets "distorted" in our minds. Therefore we believe we should keep people in our life at all cost. 

We are led to believe that removing someone from our life or letting them go makes us a bad or weak person, because we didn't fight enough to keep things working but actually this is wrong. 

In German there is a term for a partner in a relationship which is "Lebensabschnittsgefährte". You could translate this loosely with "life period companion" which I think can be used for all sorts of relationships not just the romantic sort.

Maybe someone was very important to you for example during school, that doesn't mean this person has to be important for you all your life. You could choose different paths in life and develop in different directions. Is it is a failure if you can't keep the friendship up? Of course not! The fact that the time you shared was limited doesn't mean it was less valuable for any of you, is simply means that you reached a cross roads where you decided to take different paths. Your companionship is over. 

This leads me back to what we have learnt about relationships as children. We learnt that everything has to be forever and so we perceive any ending as failure. It is not in vain that all fairytales end with "and they lived happily ever after". And let's be honest: This is incredibly appealing and in some cases it is true but in some it just isn't. 

If we can't accept that a relationship has run its course it can become toxic to us, since they have no longer a natural place in our life and you could say the relationship is past its expiry date and therefore is has gone sour. 

But then there are also other toxic people, which have never had a positive influence in our life, not even for one minute. Yet somehow we can't seem to distance ourselves from them, we are like moths flying into the fire. In these cases we have to ask to look inside ourselves and ask ourselves why? Are we masochistic? Do we believe we can change this people? Are we blind to the true essence of the rotten relationship? I think in most case we lie to ourselves and actually believe we gain something after all. We believe we can put up with all the crap because after all we get something out of it. It can be social standing, irresponsible fun or another thing the gives us a certain kick. Because that is what it is all about after all a kick, which makes this sort of relationship addictive.

These people are toxic to most people in their life yet they are always surrounded by others because they are charismatic which is what makes them in a way dangerous. Their presence has an addictive quality. Good examples for people like this are cult leaders like David Koresh or Charles Manson. Those people gain huge numbers of followers, despite their at best mediocre education, looks and knowledge. 

Of course these are extreme cases but they are helpful when proving the point. Some people have an unreasonable appeal, which is why we keep them in our lives despite their lack of human qualities. The problem with these people is that they are aware of their appeal and use it to manipulate people around them and this is where is gets dangerous. They start using their "followers" for their own advantage, which in harmless cases is just for fun but in the cases of the above mentioned cult leaders it had deadly consequences. 

The most important thing about toxic people or relationships with them is to view them for what they are: An unhealthy thing in our life! The next step is to carefully remove those relationships from our life. You can do it the harsh way by announcing it to the people in question or you can do it the soft way by letting the phone ring, taking more time than before to answer message and not being so "available". That is something you have to choose for yourself because some of these people can be very possessive and they will try to cling to you if you try to get rid of them. 

At first it will be hard or awkward but once this is done you will feel better, not just because a negative influence in your life has vanished but because you will have more time and energy for the things and people that really matter to you. 

Doctors and Patients

Being a medical doctor is one of the most demanding jobs in the world if not the most demanding. It is a job where any error can literally cost lives. I have to admit that I wouldn't want this kind of responsibility and therefore I have always found it unfair when doctors are sued over genuine errors they made. Imagine if you would be sued over any error you made at work.

Unfortunately this responsibility and their willingness to accept it leads also to a, I dare say, arrogant, attitude on the part of many doctors. They are well aware of their accomplishment by having been to Med School and many simply stop listening to their patients.

I know all too well that in times of internet and social services each of us believes to be a doctor themselves and hypochondriacs are literally blosoming, actually I have googled myself my symptoms in a few ocasions. The question is why is the happening?

I believe this is due to the change in the doctors behaviour. Only a few years back you went to the doctor told him what was going on, he would listen to you, ask a few additional questions and finally figure out what was wrong with you.

Today the experience is a different one. You go to the doctor and first thing is that you have to wait for what feels like ages, no matter if you are running a fever or are getting sick every 5 minutes. Of course there are often emergencies but more than once they simply don't care. 

I remember once when I went to the doctor with a flu having high fever. Actually it was such a high fever that it was highly irresponsible to even drive, but I lived alone in that city, so I had no other choice. When I arrived to the doctor at around 11 am I was told that they didn't have time to me until afternoon. I asked them to let me stay in the practice until then but they decline, so I had to drive home and return in the afternoon. 

Recently I had even a worse experience. I have been suffering from severe nettle rash for over a year now. Unless I am on medication my skin is covered in large wheals, that itch so badly that I can't sleep or I will scratched myself bloody and my eyelids swell shut. To make a short story simple it is a nightmare. When I went to the first dermatologist and explained the symptoms to my doctor he responded with the most  stupid question ever: And what is it that you want from me?

Excuse me? I was suffering from a medical problem and went to a doctor, what could I want? Help? 

After some back and forth he sent me to several other doctors, some of whom responded to my explaining why I was there with: You know I am not a dermatologist right?

The result is that after 1 year, 3 visits to the ER in the hospital and 8 doctors and I finally found a doctor who is willing to take my problem seriously. He decided to sent me to a special clinic and asked his assistant to arrange an appointment for me. Unfortunately the clinic requested that I go again through the whole procedure I have already been through. Yes, you read right, so while we always here how the medical system has problems with the budget I am suppose to repeat the useless procedure again.

I believe this is because a nettle rash is simply boring to them. Everybody wants to find a cure for AIDS or otherwise write a prescription for a flu and then drive home in their BMW.

I think that choosing to be a medical Doctor should be about more than just money or a challenge. It should be coming from the deep wish to help others. It shouldn't be about money or reputation but about the patient and helping him. 

The Challenge of Being Yourself

Recently I have read the my generation (Born in the 70ies or 80ies) is considered the generation of expectations and I think that might be true. We were the first generation in the western world, in which the majority of people grew up in decent financial circumstances and the most urgent needs were fullfilled. Universities were no longer just open to the upper classes and we could choose freely, who we wanted to be and everything seemed possible.

You might say: But these are good things and you are right. But this luxury came with a price, the price of unfilled dreams and inattainable expectations. Seeing all the options laid out in front of us, we all started dreaming and pushing us further than we might be able to reach,while sometimes our true goal lies right in front of us. Why should you try to be a world class scientist just because you can, while you would be much happier being a hairdresser? The questions asked shouldn't be: What can I... but rather what do I want....

Our generation lost the focus for what they really want in favour of the highest achievable goal, because we are sold the concept that the more the better. But what is wrong with the simple life? Why should we choose the higher goal, just because we can?

In my personal opinion this is also responsible for many mental illnesses. One could argue that years ago people would not speak up about it. This is most likely true but I believe that also modern lifestyle has led to an increase of mental illnesses like OCD, depression and burn-out syndrome, as we live lives that are  opposed to our nature.

This is also becoming a problem for society. Here in Germany companies that train young people for manual jobs like mecanics, hair dressers, bakers and many more are having problems to cover all apprentice positions and one can only wonder why this might be. Have all young people lost interest in manual jobs? Maybe their appeal has indeed dimished or people have decided to follow societies pressure rather than their own wishes. 

But this problem can not only be seen in the career choice: How about fashion? Instead of choosing to wear what we actually like, we run into stores and buy something we are told by some people is hip. Imagine how interesting the world would look, if people would wear what the really like. People wearing outfits composed of stuff from different decades and wearing original make-up. Wouldn't that be amazing?

In general we are told to follow a certain pattern with our life or better we are expected to. This is great for some or maybe even most people for some it is not. 

In any case it is getting more difficult to be ourselves these days, because we are bombarded with so many options and things, that we overhear the voice of our subconsciousness. And even if we do hear it, it is sometimes hard to follow it due to the overwhelming reaction by your surroundings. Just try to wear something a little more extravagant than your usual style. It will cause interesting reactions. Some people will love it, others will tell you that they prefer you usual style but most people will frown upon it.

The point is not be put off by that, because sooner or later people get used to it and admire you individuality and that you dare being yourself. New people you meet will also react in a more positive way, because they perceive you as authentic.

Start with little stuff and you will see how liberating it is to be your true self. Yes, some people will turn their back on you. But are those people the sort of people you want to have in your life?

Maybe the key to all this is to redefine "success". These days success is usually messured by economic status and social standing. Perhaps we should consider a success to be who we really are. Sometimes a simpler life is more rewarding than a life on the fast lane. 

Writing update #5 and back to the stage

Something I have been thinking about for a long time if finally taking shape: I have founded a theatre company! 

When I say "I" I actually mean me and some very talented young people I have recenty met. Technically we are still nameless, since we are looking for name that reflect the uniqueness of our group. We are a spanish-speaking group that is based in southern Germany. If you have any suggestion or ideas, please feel free to put them into the comment section. We'd really appreciate it!

My colleagues surprised me, when they decided that we should perform the play I am presently writing/editing, which I consider an incredible hornour. This made me also the director, which means that I will have my hands full. Therefore I will only play small role but nonetheless I will return to the stage. You cannot imagine how exciting it is to see character you have created come to life. As an artist this is probably the most exciting thing I have ever experienced, as it truly gives you the feeling of creating something.

I am also very really excited because the quality of the actors has exceeded my wildest expectations and everybody is very dedicated, which makes me very proud to be a part of this team. Thank you guys!

Since it turns out there is already a play named "the interview" so I have decided to rename it "the motive" (I know the title is very John Grisham, but as stated before I am bad with titles.). It is coming along nicely and I am optimistic that we will premiere it in spring time. It is a thriller, where a journalist interviews a convicted serial killer. In the end the audience will have a different view of terms like justice and law. 

It surprised me to realise that again I have put some very personal things into my work. I was once a law student and actually quit due to conscentious reasons, after a child murderer was brought to trial in the town I was studying. It was that moment, when I realised that I could never defend a person guilty of such horrible crimes. 

Apparantly it is true, what they say: If you want to write well, write about what you know.

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As you can imagine this means that the translation of my novel "In the Shadow of History" is presently on hiatus. I am about halfway done with it (Including some major editing) and once I am finished, I will edit it again before handing it to a professional proof-reader and editor. 

It pains me a bit that I am not done with it yet but it is a very hard work, since the mere translation also lacks the fun of the proper creative process and therefore I often prefer writing over this work, as I have to admit. 

The good part is, that I have already started developing ideas for the second part also three other stand alone novels (Yes, I know ideas are not enough, unless you work them out!).

As you can see I am keep myself rather busy and am developing some interesting projects!

Love, 

Maria Lorca

DUI - Some Thoughts on Driving Under Influence

We are lead to believe the driving under influence or for short DUI is a trivial offense. We see hollywood starlets Lindsey Lohan who pose for mug shots after adjusting their make-up and rock star bad boys who use it to nurture their image but the truth couldn't be any farther.

The reality is that drinking or taking drugs is a personal decision, probably the most stupid one a person could take but none the less a personal decision. In present times everybody knows, at least to some degree, that doing drugs and drinking is bad for them, so they consciously decide to do it anyhow, but when you sit down behind the wheel you are forcing your decision upon others. You are making a decision to risk the lives of those who share the streets with you and you are not entitled to do this.

I know that most people reading this will be thinking: Oh come on, I am great driver, when I am drunk. In my opinion you are not, but maybe you are. But let me ask you one question: Are you better driver when you are drunk or when you are sober? Wouldn't you react that fracture of a second faster if you hadn't had that last drink? What if that fraction of a second makes the difference between crashing and not crashing? 

Since the human nature is mostly driven by egoism let me turn the point of view of this around: Do you really want to burden yourself with the feeling of guilt? Do you want to live wondering: What if I hadn't been driving under influence? Could I have prevented the accident that hurt or killed someone else? You will never know but the truth is, that that doubt will be more punishment than any fine or jail. 

Also try thinking about how many people you know and I believe that each one of them knows at least one person who was injured or killed in a car accident involving driving under influence. Too many people get hurt just because people think: I still can drive. 

In my case it was my uncle. A drunk driver drove onto the freeway the wrong way and crashed into my uncle's car in a frontal collision. Luckily my uncle survided but he spent 10 months in hospital. He was stolen almost a year of his life because that guy thought: I can still drive. But my uncle was the lucky one in that collision because the other guy died. He lost his life because he thought: I can still drive. 

So next time you are considering to drive under influence, simply think about the following: Is it worth the risk? Is it worth dying? Is it worth risking hurting or even killing others? I believe we all know that the answer to this is: No!

Living with depression

The recent, tragic passing of Robin Williams, whose protrayal of John Keating in "Dead Poets Society" is partly responsible for me becoming a writer, has made me painfully aware about many misconceptions that still exist, when it comes to depression. So I have decided to write about my personal experience in an attempt to help people understand this disease. 

I am not a psychologist, so I won't be throwing around medical terms but I have been diagnosed on three separate occasions with depression. I am presently going through my second cycle of therapy and have been on three different medications (Thank god, I am managing without since 2011!). 

Why am I sharing this with you? Because I think it is time. Not only for me but for everybody. Depression is sadly a common thing and most people don't dare speaking about it and therefore are not getting the help they need. 

I was thinking of how I could explain to a person whom has never suffered from depression how this feels, because depression is so much more then "being sad". So I came up with the following exercise: 

First I want you to think of the state you are e.g. on a sunday morning. You get up, feel relaxed, just have a shower and do some small errands, nothing out of the ordinary. Basically the state, were you are in a balanced mood, neither sad nor happy, neither mad nor frustrated. I would like to call this "neutral mood". 

Then I want you to think of the worst moment of your life. It doesn't matter if it was after a bad break-up, loosing a loved one or loosing your job. I mean one of those moments, where you wouldn't eat, shower or if it were up to you even leave the bed. I know this is hard, but I want you to remember that feeling, in every detail. I want you to remember how hard it was to do even the simplest tasks. 

Now I want you to imagine how it feels, to take this feeling and think of it as your "neutral mood". Imagine when you wake up in the morning you feel this numbing emotional pain, although nothing has happened yet in your day. Besides all this, there is no rational reason, for feeling like this and you are very well aware of that. You know that there is no sense to you feeling like this, but you cannot help it. So on top of this feeling, you start being mad at yourself and frustrated because you feel stupid, for being so upset without any apparant reason. Imagine this going on for months, sometimes even years. I think this gives you an idea about what depression really means. 

People who have never gone through depression don't understand the strength it takes to even do the smallest things, like getting up in the morning or leaving the house. 

Most people think that depressed people are weak, when in reality they are strong because living with this disease is an effort beyond words especially if you are functioning, which means that you continue to do your job and duties, without allowing the depression take over. 

When I was going through my worst depression, to the outside world I was in the best moment of my life. I was successful in my job and managed to always smile. People in fact thought I was an extremely happy person. 

The problem is that in today's society people think of you as a weakling if you admit to depression, so you do everything to hide it and if you do it for years, you get good at hiding it and therefore you don't talk about it and nobody suspects it. 

I remember when I first talked about it to a person, he laughed and basically said: "Depressed? You? Nice joke!" We really need to listen to people again and also watch them. Show them how much you actually care. 

Something that makes living with depression or better dealing with it even more difficult is that constantly being upset and angry at yourself starts messing with your view of the world. You become sort of paranoid and even start doubting the affection of family and friends. You often think, that their affection is more like masked pity. In a weird sense it makes sense to yourself, because you feel like a fool, after all you are upset for months without any  "real" reason. That is what makes it a disease and not just bad mood. Bad mood has a reason, while depression has not. It is a flaw in the system if you want to put it like that. 

If things get worse then a lot of people start becoming suicidal. It starts sneaky, that sort of thought were you think before going to bed: Maybe if I am lucky, I won't wake tomorrow. 

This is the point, where this disease starts getting really dangerous. If you ever have felt like this:

Please, look for help!

Talk to someone close to you and tell them how you feel. Ask for help and don't allow the most precious thing you have, your life, to be ruined by a flaw in your system. This is a disease! You haven't done anything wrong and there are people than can help you!

Suicide isn't a solution. Because life isn't a computer game, where you can start from the beginning (At least as far as we know!). Please seek help, because there is and maybe in your darkest hours, it will help you to think of all the things you'd miss if all was to end at that moment: 

The first female US president, the ending of "Game of Thrones" (We all want to know about Jon Snow's true heritage, right?), the smile of your first grand child, the next sunrise, the first man on Mars, the next sort of Oreo cookies, the kiss from someone you truely love and who loves you back.... 

There are many beautiful things ahead of you, don't miss out on them!

Writing this, I have to admit, took an incredible effort. I had to revisit the darkest times in my life and this has affected me. It took me several days to write this post. Still, I don't regret writing this, because I think depressions are an important topic we all need to talk about. It might have been caused by modern society, but this doesn't make it any less real. 

I hope this helps non-afflicted people to better understand people who suffer from this illness. 

Obesity - What it is really like to fight it

Obesity is the worst pandemic we are presently facing. Everybody has heard dozens of theories of what you should eat to live healthy and loose weight but still many people are obese. So why is that? Are humans masochistic or downright stupid since they know that excessive overweight might kill them?

As a person who has recently lost 20 kgs I can tell you one thing: Loosing weight is extremely tough and sometimes almost impossible, since extreme overweight is often the result of either an illness e.g. hypothyroidism (Like in my case, where it remained undiagnosed for 10 years) or additive behaviour when it comes to food. 

Let's start by explaining something: Nobody likes being obsese! I am not talking about a little belly or some pounds gained over the holidays, I am talking about severe overweight. I am still overweight and used to be obese before loosing weight and hated it. You don't feel like dressing nicely, because nothing looks good on you and when you look at your face it looks like you got your wisdom teeth out. You get out of breath by already walking up the stairs and are embarrased when someone notices. Sometimes you will even pretend you have a stone in your shoe just to have a second to take a breath. I could only sleep on my back, because if I slept on the side I would wake  up with a numb arm. You even hate going out for a meal, because no matter what you eat people keep giving you looks. If you eat a burger the looks say: "You really should go easy on that!" If you only order a salad the looks say: "Who are you kidding?" This is all very embarrasing to admit, but this is the truth.

When I decided I had enough of being obese I found a wonderful doctor, because if you have to loose more than a third of you body weight it is not done with a two week diet. Such a weightloss requires proper medical observation and support because all these quick diets from magazine can effectively endanger you health, sometimes even more than you overweight. 

I want to state that my weight loss programm is not an extreme programm and it is based on natural food and no diet shakes of similar things and as I said it is handled by a proper medical doctor.So I started with huge motivation and with it started the problems. 

The first problem was the sickness. I can handle the normal feeling of hunger quite well, but this was something else. My body was used to unhealthy food and huge amounts of salt, so when I changed my diet my body went into a sort of shock. I felt sick especially in the mornings and quite often vomited. Of course I checked  with my doctor and after checking my vitals it turned out I was physically fine. It was simply a reaction to the changes I was exposing my body to, which put in under stress. I knew I had simply to sit the matter out but then there was the little voice in my ear saying: "Isn't this supposed to be healthy? It is supposed to be good for you but it only makes you feel worse! Kick this s**t and go to McDonalds!" In the first weeks I also fainted also a couple of times due to dizzyness. So you reach the point were you wonder: "Why shall I go through with this?" But you manage it and the sickness ceases. 

The next problem are social events, which are usually a popular way of putting off the beginning of the weight loss: "Oh well, Christmas is coming in two weeks and then there is New Years... I will start just after that!" Does this sound familiar? I bet! Truth be told social events are a tough one especially in the beginning. Temptation is everywhere and very few restaurants have proper light dishes and who likes to go: "Can I have number 3 but without the sauce?" There go the looks again! You feel like a picky idiot, when you do that and feel like everybody rolls their eyes at you. Thankfully I am lucky enough to have very considered friends, who even let me pick the restaurant to make sure I can find something there (Thanks, you know who you are!).

Unfortunately not everybody is like that and you often get involved into conversations like that:

A: "Why are you just nibbling on salad?"
B: "Well, I thought it was about time I started loosing my overweight."
A: "Some fries and a cake won't kill you!"

If you don't believe me ask any overweight person in your circle of friends and I bet 90 % have had similar experiences. I am sure that A means well, but honestly this is not helping. The psychological part in loosing weight is tougher than the physical, so please if someone makes an effort support them!

These are just a few of the challenges people trying to loose weight are facing. Another one is to begin working out. Since even 10 minuntes of sport can seem like a marathon to you and worse it makes you feel like a failure when you are exhausted, when in reality you are everything but a failure. Because 10 minutes will soon turn to 15 minutes and so on.

But the point of all this is you have to make a conscious choice: Do you want to go on being obese, knowing you are most likely headed for an early grave or are you willing to make some sacrificies to become the person you have always wanted to be? I have never regretted starting despite the ocasional trowback, because I am feeling fantastic and am ready to finish "the project-me". If I could do it, you can do and believe someone who has been there: It is worth it!

To all the people in the circle of friends and family of an obese person:

If they take the step support them, as it is tough enough as it is and longterm it might safe their life and avoid making fun of overweight persons as it is hard enough as it is. 

Robin Williams - A tribute

Never have I written a tribute before but this time I feel the urge to it and therefore I just thought I will follow my guts. Did I know Mr. Williams personally? No, I didn't but I knew his work as an artist and looking at my own work as an artist I know that you put a lot of yourself in your work, even if you try not to. 

Unfortunately I also know depression myself having been diagnosed with it the first time in 2001, so understand the disease he has become a victim of and it saddens me that a person who gave others so much joy was in such a pain himself. 

I have always thought of Robin Williams as the most versatile actor of these days. I don't care what Oscar statistics say, this man could literally play anything and that is what made him brilliant! Some of his movies have had an incredible impact on me and others, more of an impact than I realised until two days ago. 

I was born in 1978 so one of my first memories of TV is that of a man who flew in an egg and sat upside down. I remember being particularly fond his greeting "nano nano". Of course this was Mork & Mindy. I remember loving that Mork could do funny things without getting into real trouble and how excited he got over the simplest things. Not understanding the concept of TV yet (I was probably 4 or 5 years old at that time), to me Mork was real and I loved him, because he wasn't as serious as most adults and would get excited like me and my friends. When I watched some reruns of Mork & Mindy a few years back, that magic of my childhood was back. Mork was adorable in his quirkyness and still is today. In this role Robin Williams was able to get away with everything and that is what we loved him for! Any other person would have looked stupid doing the things he did, but he was simply funny and lovable. 

My next and probably most life changing "encounter" with Robin Williams came during my teenage years through the movie "Dead Poets Society". Being a teenager who was mostly taught by unmotivated teachers, John Keating became my generation's hero and inspiration. We all wished we would be taught by him and even through the screen his energy touched us. I among many others was one of the students who on a dare stood on her desk during class. "Dead Poets Society" was the first book I read in English and it was during that time that I wrote my first poem. Did the movie and Robin Williams make me want to become a writer? I don't know, maybe. But they certainly sparked my love for poetry and literature. In two hours his passion on the screen taught me more than my "real" teachers had taught me in years. What I can say for sure is that the movie it changed my view of life. I understood that it is important to follow your heart, no matter where it leads you and that the world doesn't know better what your heart needs. 

Then came "Hook" and Robin Williams' Peter Pan. A 40 year old Peter Pan? Yes! After seeing the movie we all wondered: How could Peter Pan be anything but a 40 year old? I  laugh with tears in my eyes at the memory of the scene where Peter "comes back" and calls Rufio "Substitute chemistry teacher". This wasn't just performance, this was him and that it why we loved it: It felt real and honest, as if he was really letting out his inner child,which I suspect he was actually doing. That makes a great actor!

There is not much to say about Mrs. Doubtfire. It is a movie that stays with you forever and makes you feel good, because it teaches you that parents are always willing to make a fool of themselves to take care of their children and that is why we love them. Was there something of Mr. Williams himself in this movie? I guess being a father it was, maybe more that he himself was aware of. 

"Jack" is probably one of his most underrated movies. I remember that when I saw it I was expecting the usual funny movie but in the end got so much more. Being directed by Francis Ford Coppola the movie is well nuanced and by the end of we are moved beyond words over the little boy's story, because you don't see the man but a little boy with a genetic disorder. His performance overshadows his physical appearance and takes the lead. 

In 1997 two still unknown young actors managed to sell their first script and got to play two roles in the movie made of it and someone managed to get Robin Williams for the supporting role of Sean Maguire. Of course I am speaking of "Good Will Hunting" and the two actors were Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. This movie taught me an important lesson: Never put your career above the people you care about. Although Matt Damon pulled off an amazing performance himself, Robin Williams stole all the scenes they share. His performance is much calmer than in most of his movies and it works too. It actually worked so good that he won an Oscar for it. 

One of my personal favourites among Mr. Williams' movies is "Bicenntenial Man". Rarely have I seen such a character developement over the course of one movie. We see him turn from a machine into a human, more human than most humans. He is sweet, he is innocent and in a way grows up over the course of the movie. When the movie is half way through you just want to give him a hug. 

His most incredible transformation on screen was for me the 2002 thriller "One Hour Photo". His performance as Seymour Parrish is chilling to the bone. There were no jokes and no funny breaks, just the intensity of a brilliant performance of a psychotic Stalker. 

Of course there are many other amazing performances he had left us and also his wonderful stand-up comedy. He has made us laugh, scared us and moved us. I don't know if a movie can change you but it can inspire you and Mr.Williams' movies have inspired millions of people and definetely me. Or as John Keating put it: No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. 

For that I have only one thing to say: 

Thank you, Mr. Williams. 

Writing update #4 - switching pen name

It has been a very long time since I wrote one of these but my "other" life has been crazy for several months getting a new job and moving, so had only little time for writing. But now I am back on track and I wanted to let you know what is going on.

I am still working on the translation of my novel, which is proving to be a much tougher task than I expected. Although I consider myself to be proficient in english, it is not my native tounge, which sometimes makes it tough to hit the tone I want to hit in my novel. However I am still convinced that translating it myself was the right choice because it gives me the unique possibility to explore a different language and to find expressions for concepts often alien to the other language. For example there is no term in spanish for "oversleeping" although of course we know the concept. My english is mostly considered "american" but I often use British and Australian terms as well, so I guess the tone will be quite unique. 

Once I am done with the translation I intend to hand it over to a british proof reader, as I would hate for people not to enjoy my novel due to grammar or punctuation errors. This is something I would recommend to all authors out there, especially if you are self-publishing. I have read some books of self-published writers and while some were absolutely stunning and brilliant others were incredibly bad, especially in the language department. 

I don't expect everyone to be perfect when it comes to grammar and spelling (I guess I have made already several errors in this post to prove that I am far from it myself!) but a blog post is something different than a book. If we writers want to prove to the world that self-publishing is to be taken seriously we need to make sure that the quality of what we publish is of high standard, otherwise the current attitude towards self-publishing, that we are all wannabe writers who couldn't get an agent will prevail. Also bear in mind: Don't you find it annoying to stumble over dozens of errors while reading a book? 

Well that is the present status of my novel. I also have been considering of posting a teaser here, but I haven't decided upon it yet. 

My next project to combine two of my passions: Writing and Acting! 

As some of you might know I have already been working on a play called "The Interview" for some time. It is developing nicely and working on it has made me realise how much I miss acting. Therefore I have decided to create a theatre group called "Los Bildungos" and also to switch my pen name to what used to be my stage name: 

Maria Lorca 

I have already acted in some short films under this name. I also co-wrote the story and the lyrics to the musical "Outremer" with Felicitas Rená  and together with  composer Vladimir Romanov we finished in 3rd place at the 2007 Frank Wildhorn Award for Musical Theatre in Graz. 

Subsequently I will make some altertations to this blog, as what started only as platform for my writing has become so much more, as I decided to make a statement addresing topics that matter to me. 

I hope you will enjoy the new direction and support me with my new and old projects. 

Some thoughts on War, Tolerance, Freedom and Kindness

Some of my regular readers might be aware that I am studying history and therefore am very interested in the evolution of human society and of humanity itself. Unfortunately the more I learn the more I realize that we haven't evolved at all, as least by far not at much and we should have. What is worse is that we lie to ourselves about having evolved. It was this realization that let me to write this post. 

Let's start with my thoughts on war. One thing is for sure: War is certainly one of the most terrible things humanity is capable of. Albert Einstein's quote still states the very simple truth: 

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It doesn't matter how far we look back there have always been cruel wars fought by humanity. While the Roman Empire is to be considered an important step on the evolution of modern society it was of course build on wars. Has our attitude about wars really changed since then? 

I am afraid is hasn't, at least not enough. I have caught myself a few times thinking that a certain conflict had been necessary due to one party's actions. Isn't that proof enough? That we still consider something the leads to the death of thousands even an option is atrocious! I am sure some of you thought like this on occasions, when we saw news reports of civilians being killed by their own government etc. 

Maybe war is in these cases some sort of lesser evil, but isn't that proof of how humanity has still a long way to go? The truth is, that it is not enough until every person has learnt that war is never an option to solve a conflict but that is should be something of a long gone past.
Presently we are again seeing the cruelest side of war in Gaza. We see hospitals being bombed and children being slaughtered. Honestly is doesn't matter, who did what because there cannot be any excuse for that. 

It doesn't matter, what has happened throughout history or what leader has ordered what, because it has nothing to do with the four-year-old who died in a hospital after having her tonsils removed. The four-year-old, who didn't even understand to what country or religion she belonged and just wanted to go home to her mother. Your conflict had nothing to do with her! That she paid for political leaders' ignorance is just wrong and unfair.
There is absolutely no excuse for that!

Something that is closely linked to war is the lack of tolerance. Truth to be told I am usually a very empathic person and can manage to at least understand the other person's point of view, although I might not agree. With intolerance however I cannot. It is really beyond me, why so many people are concerned about whom their neighbor prays to or whom he loves. Why does it matter? Does it change anything in your own life? No it doesn't! You will be married to the same person no matter if you neighbor has married a man or a woman. 

Actually I consider tolerance a healthy way of egoism. You mind basically your own business and leave the others in peace (As long as they are not hurting anybody of course!). I wonder why the same people that are opposing such things as same sex marriage can watch for years as women are being mistreated by their husbands. Someone please explain that logic to me! You get into your neighbor’s business to prevent them from having a loving and caring relationship but it gets too uncomfortable, when "your nosiness" could actually do some good? 

This leads me to the next point: Freedom! Freedom is not only a right but also a duty. People, who live in countries, where they can be themselves, without fearing backlash have the duty to speak up for those who cannot. We, as I count myself to these lucky people, need to raise our voices to help and support those who cannot speak for themselves. We need to draw attention to them and support them to the best of our abilities so that one day they might enjoy the same freedom we do. 

It can be simple things like signing petitions, supporting causes or even by voting for the proper government for our home countries. We need to help those who are less fortunate than us. 

This brings me finally to kindness. Kindness is the essence of the modern society we should be working towards. Only kindness will help us to close the gaps in society and make sure everybody has at least sufficient to leave. Kindness is what will prevent us from being cruel to each other and what will open our eyes to differences, we shouldn't hate but rather embrace. 

What happened to feminism?

Some 300 years ago women like Mary Wollstonecraft and others began changing the world in what became one the biggest revolutions society ever experienced. I am talking about feminism, the fight of women for equal rights in all respects and don't let the world kid you: The fight is not done yet. You don't believe me? Well, there is one simple example that will prove that to you:

How do you call a man that lives a promiscuous life? A ladies-man, a womanizer, a pick-up artist. Actually all rather "positive" terms. Right?

How do you call a woman that lives a promiscuous life? A slut.

It is a sad truth, but nonetheless it is the truth. That doesn't mean I support or condone people living a promiscuous life, I just wanted to show you an example of how different the sexes are still judged today.

This goes both ways however or why is it that usually it is assumed at the divorce and custody battle that the mother is the better choice to bring up the kids?

But still in recent years the term "feminism" has started to have a somewhat bitter taste, even for me as a woman, who considers herself a modern woman.

Let me tell a little about me to explain my point of view: I am from Spain, the home of machismo but I was brought up relatively liberal. I learnt that a woman has to remain true to herself and be independent. Only if you are independent you can make choices based on what you truly want and need. It is not fair to use a husband or partner barely as a provider. They deserve a partner who wants them for who they are and not for how much money they make.

Interesting enough in Spain women never give up their own name to take up the husband's name when they get married. It may sound insignificant, but for me the name is part of oneself and a woman remains the same person even if she gets married.

So why does the term "feminism" bother me in the meantime? Am I not living it? It recently hit me, when I was reading an article on the internet about a play I recently saw.

The problem is that many women have started to behave towards men (under the pretense of feminism) the way men used to behave against women. You can see it everyday when you open your eyes. It can be something simple as bashing at a guy for offering to carry something heavy for you (I have witnessed this more than once!) or the way women behave towards male strippers. I know many of you are rolling the eyes at this example saying but this is only for fun etc. But how often have we complained over men treating women like flesh? If we complain about their behaviour how can we behave alike? Doesn't that make us hyprocrites?

I realized that many diehard feminists mistake feminism with "men-hating" and try to make men the villains in each story. They claim that every men is staring at them with lust or that they didn't get the promition because they are a woman. They protest over literature or movies because they don't focus enough on women or argue that if a woman is the villain it is only because of men pushing her around.

Whenever I hear or read these things I can only shake my head. It appears that we are falling into the other extreme and that some women want to subdue men to get back a them. Sorry, but as a true feminist I feel the urge to distant myself from these women.

Sometimes a woman doesn't get the promotion because a man is better qualified and if you want more women-focused are: Create it! I for my part would hate to receive a promotion just because the company has to fullfill their women quota in management. I want to get a promotion because I deserve it. In my opinion a women-quota is actually against the equal rights concept, since it could lead to man not getting the promotion because he isn't a woman. Doesn't that sound sadly familiar? The truth is that 30 years ago it was just the other way around it.

Also I believe that there are good men and bad men just like there are good woman and bad women.

Now let me tell you something: Men and women are not equal! Men can dream about it as much as they want to, they can never bear children and women have to accept that usually men are physically stronger than women. These are not a prejudices but biological facts. The truth is we should embrace these differences and take advantage of them.

What is true however is that men are not better than women but neither are women better than men, we are simply different.

So for me feminism means: We have the same rights but also the same duties in the world. If a guy offers to carry something heavy for me I appreciate it the same as if a woman that is stronger than me offers it. If I don't want to be treated like flesh I shouldn't treat men like it either.

Respect goes both ways!

The Importance of Dreams and Drive

Most people have at least one of those crazy dreams, they can never get out of their heads and yet still never attempt to fulfil them. I am not speaking of things like bungee jumping but of life changing dreams like opening a coffee shop or moving abroad or changing career. Being a person with many dreams myself I cannot help to wonder: Why? Why are there so many people who never make the slightest attempt to fulfil those dreams and instead settle for an average yet unsatisfying life? 

For me this blog is tiny step to fulfilling one of my dreams, which is to make a living writing. Despite this I haven't published a post in about 6 months. Presently I am working on the translation of my novel but I have to admit to myself I am not pushing it as much as I could. So this made me think: Why? I still feel that this is my biggest dream and yet I am not pursuing it as hard as I could. The answer to that was surprisingly simple. 

The subtext of those dreams is always the same: "I think I would be much happier, if...." We believe that if these dreams come true our life would be better and at least some of our problems would disappear. So what if we manage to reach our goals, only to realize that life is still as complicated as before? That we still have those moments where we feel like everything is too much and that our whole life is just wrong. We work hard to achieve something and realize that nothing has changed. Wouldn't that be more frustrating than just settle for our life and let the dreams be just that dreams? 

The reality is that most of us are not afraid of failing in pursuing our dreams but we are afraid of succeeding only to realize that those dreams are not what we were hoping for. 

Does this mean we should stop pursuing our dreams? No! Dreams are important because they are what drives humanity in general and what brings us forward. For instance if it hadn't been for Edison's dream to invent a light bulb where would we all be now? That is hasn't been done before, doesn't mean it is not possible. 

What we have to do however is to stop using unfulfilled dreams as an excuse for being unhappy. We also need to have realistic expectations of our dreams. Don't expect anything to solve your problems for good, because there is nothing like that in this world. For instance many women think that they are single because of their looks and that they would be dating if they were thinner, taller, had a smaller nose etc. While I sometimes have those thoughts too, I can tell you: That is nonsense! Otherwise there wouldn't be single supermodels, right? 

Dreams cannot do miracles for your happiness but pursuing them defines you as person and as long as you make sure that your expectations are realistic you won't be disappointed when you reach your goals. But don't forget to live in the present while working on your dreams.